Sensitivity meets intensity

How a sensitive girl (ok, woman) navigates an intense world.

Ah, intensity. My first reaction to this word is “Nope, no way, I don’t like intense. I’m too sensitive”.

I can barely watch an action movie without covering my eyes. The sound of balloons popping makes me jump out of my seat. And the “work hard, play hard” mentality always felt like too extreme of a swing. 

I do love the occasional high-sensation experience like running a half marathon, sky-diving, or going to a music festival, but those experiences come with a trade-off. Something has to give in my bucket of stimulation so I can enjoy those more intense experiences. 

After experiencing burnout too many times, I’ve been learning to befriend my sensitivity. Which has meant dialing down the intensity and embracing my body’s need for space, slowness, and subtlety. 

I have worked extra hard to protect my peace and cultivate a slow, steady inner world. 

And then… came motherhood.

Motherhood is full-blown from day one. 

First, birthing a baby (you can read Mila’s birth story here). Then, the sleepless nights, the ‘round-the-clock feeding, the deep love, the crying; the chaos of putting your baby to sleep, feeding your baby, feeding yourself, changing a diaper, going to the bathroom, and then putting the baby to sleep again.

It’s all intense. And there is no avoiding it.

Pre-motherhood,  that’s what I would try to do — avoid it. I was skilled at dialing down, protecting myself, and escaping those intense moments. 

But now, that’s no longer an option. 

My life as a mother is dialing up. The protective barrier I created during my maiden years is eroding.  There is no running away (oh but do I wish I could at times). 

I’m being invited to meet intensity. 

In these past six months, I’ve hit my limit more times than I ever thought was possible. And even though I don’t love these extreme moments, I can feel my capacity slowly expand.

This is what they call resilience right?

Resilience, though I am learning, doesn’t mean abandoning my needs. I don’t need to put on a straight face and tough it out. But rather, I need to really be honest about my needs so I can actually stay with the intense moments in an embodied way.

It’s uncomfortable. It’s vulnerable. It’s definitely easier said than done.

So all right intensity, here we are. I’m learning to dance with you. Learning what I need to stay present in my body as we tango.

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I’d love to hear from you (but really), what is your relationship with intensity? If you are a mother, are you/did you experience something similar? 

Plus, any thoughts, questions, comments on this piece are very welcome!

Feel free to comment on Substack directly or reply to this email.  I could use some more intellectual dialogue in my life these days ;).