A lesson from espresso

On waiting for the right moment

Last January my husband bought a fancy espresso machine for our home. It was one thing that gave us both a lot of joy as we were in the thick of a rainy winter, sleep regressions, and early parenthood.

As soon as we got home, he set up the machine to learn how to make the perfect cortado. He tried, messed up, tried again, watched some YouTube tutorials, and by the end of the day, we had drinks we could both enjoy. My own process with this espresso machine was quite different. I already felt so overwhelmed by early motherhood, so after two failed attempts, I decided it just wasn’t my time and let it go. 

So for many months, my husband would make us coffee in the mornings - something I’d look forward to after long nights of nursing and broken sleep.  

I enjoyed this ritual we created together, yet at times, I felt a bit helpless. My mind would tell stories like “Why is it taking me so much time? Why can’t I make a simple cup of coffee? Why are other moms able to do so much more?”

You can probably tell by now, that this isn’t wasn’t just about the espresso machine. This experience was pointing to a larger pattern where my mind was having a really hard time grappling with the bigness of motherhood. How much energy, life force, and mental work it takes even in the moments when you feel like you aren’t doing anything. That yes, even learning how to make espresso can be too much, too soon.

However, last month, something shifted unexpectedly. I looked at our espresso machine with a sense of excitement and felt “Today, I’m going to make myself coffee!” And I did. And it was anti-climatic in the best way. The resistance wasn’t really there anymore. The timing was… just right.

This feeling of  “there is a right time for everything” is landing deeper in other aspects of my life. Like writing, for example. I’ve been wanting to get back to writing for a while now, since 4 months postpartum but my mind felt like mush. I even tried to commit to 15 minutes of writing each day but the truth is, I couldn’t find the energy for it. At times, it felt like I would never write again.

But now, 8 months later, there’s been a shift, and guess what? I’m writing! Though the journey with writing may not be as simple as it was with coffee, what I’m realizing is that there wasn’t a deliberate change or much force to the process. Once again the timing was…just right.

I’m one year postpartum, and only now am I finding space for tasks that would have felt so easy pre-motherhood. Making espresso, taking naps, going to dinner, and more. 

Sure I have many desires, wishes, and dreams but a simple lesson from espresso has shown me that the time for those is coming too. And as I’ve learned, those moments often show up unannounced and without much fanfare. It just suddenly clicks. That is, as long as we stay open to the different possibilities.

Let’s see what the future holds, but today, I’m leaning into the “rightness” of where I am now.

P.S. Even though I am fully capable of making myself a latte now, I still ask my husband to make it for me most of the time. Another lesson from espresso: it feels good to receive even when you can do it yourself.